


I can't do this anymore...

by MadamMissy



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, Hurt, I Am Sorry, This was fucking hard to write, This was meant to be a soft one, Why am I such a drama queen?, i am fucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-15 15:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18672697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamMissy/pseuds/MadamMissy
Summary: Lilith and Zelda realize that the recent changes might break them apart or bring them even closer.





	1. Chapter 1

“Mhh. That feels nice,” Zelda whispers, eyes closed and breathing even. She imagines the smile of Mary, massaging her aching scalp after a way too long day filled with way too much rain and way too much false anticipation left her hair greasy and in the need of some love and care. Her body relaxes even further against the cold material of their bathtub while Lilith’s hands work their magic on her screaming muscles.  
“You’ve been stressing way too much.” It’s meant as a loving insult, just like their conversations used to be, but even Lilith can hear how weak and worried she sounds, while sitting on the floor in their dimly lit bathroom.  
“I just wanted everything to be perfect,” Zelda states and she is way too tired to be having this conversation. She knows deep down that Lilith is right, that she stresses too much, works too much, drinks too much and sleeps too little but at that moment, in that bathtub she just can’t stand the thought of saying it all aloud after all these months were spent silencing the brunette whenever she tried to mention anything to her.   
“I know…”   
Silence falls upon the bathroom and Lilith lets her fingers dance across Zelda’s scalp and neck absently. Lilith is tired, tired of worrying about Zelda, tired of being the Queen of Hell, tired of keeping Zelda away from her family and tired of feeling so damn guilty about it. She can’t stand it any longer. All the accusations that are waiting to be said, to be finally let out after months of keeping them in and all the accusations she knows Zelda will throw her way once the storm of bottled up emotions breaks loose over them. The fight is coming, both know that.   
Too much isn’t said and too much is lingering in the air, making it thicker than the layer of dust in their new home. Hell surely doesn’t become everyone, Zelda thinks at the thought of how bad of a condition their house is in but she can’t be bothered by simply things like cleaning.   
“It’s not your fault they didn’t come,” Lilith tries but she sees Zelda’s chest heave in sheer aggravation.   
“No, it truly isn’t,” she says, her voice laced in venom and bitterness.   
“Maybe next time,” Lilith says for the tenth time in a month. She feels ridiculous saying it after so many nights of disappointment and soothing were spent in the safety of their bedroom and led to exactly one thing. Nothing. Zelda’s family won’t come visit them. No matter how bad Zelda begs or no matter how much Lilith tries to talk Hilda into convincing everyone.   
Sabrina is still as mad as ever at Lilith for using her beloved boyfriend as a trap and killing her favorite teacher, even though she did bring her back. Nevertheless the poor woman changed forever once she recovered from the shock of finding out that the memory of the past six months were wiped off her memory; almost as if those six months never even happened.   
“Maybe…” Zelda says absently. Both of them know that they’re only pretending at this point. Living a lie in order to avoid talking about the truth.  
Lilith’s movements stiffen at the bitterness of the moment and her attention is drawn to the tensing of Zelda’s muscles underneath the milky bath water that makes her skin shimmer in a delicate blueish color; almost as if she was a gift sent from heaven.  
Heaven… A place Lilith tries so hard to forget but watching Zelda’s smile lessen from day to day and her cheeks go hollower from week to week, not even she can deny that the appearance of her lover comes way too close to a certain creature she once knew oh so well; almost as if she just didn’t want to see what is going on right in front of her gorgeous blue eyes until now.   
Gorgeous blue eyes… The ones the ginger witch fell in love with once they moved past the false hatred and jealous and accepted their feelings for what they are; love and need.   
Now staring into those ocean eyes brings back so many memories of the time before Satan’s fall and their rise. Side by side they took the thrown and Zelda left her family behind to reign by the brunette’s side.   
Left her family… Six months have since passed and Zelda, as much as she likes to deny that fact, misses her family more than she ever thought possible. It’s the little things that make it hard to cope. She misses Sabrina’s teenager drama, even though it annoyed the living heaven out of her before, she misses Hilda’s never ending devotion no matter how cruel she is, although if asked, she would never admit to missing her sister at all and lastly she misses Ambrose’s company; he had been locked in the house with her for almost a century after all.   
The once comfortable atmosphere in the room is stiff and unbearable to the point that Zelda finds it hard to breathe. The never ending sight of those perfect blue eyes, ridiculously soft brown hair, incredibly smooth and delicate skin, defined sharp edges and all too seductive curves are driving her insane. It’s suffocating her and has been for quite some time now.   
Sitting in that bathtub she seems to realize what has been present all this time. She suddenly shoots up in the bathtub; water splashing everywhere.   
Lilith steps back a bit, sighing.   
With a snap of her fingers, the shampoo vanishes from her ginger curls and a robe covers her body as she darts out of the bathtub, out of the bathroom, out of the way too tiny space, out of Lilith’s sight.   
Lilith counts to fifty and follows the soft cherry scent until she finds her lover pacing up and down their bedroom.   
“I can’t do this anymore,” Zelda bursts out, tears threatening to spill.   
“Calm down.” Lilith tries to grab Zelda’s arm but the witch shrugs her weak attempt off with ease. Lilith feels weak, weak for not being able to help Zelda, weak for not being able to keep Zelda happy and at the same time weak for not being able to let her go.   
“No!”   
Lilith covers her face in fear of what will come next. She just knows by the way Zelda’s eyes dart around the room in fear; like a cornered animal, no escape route in sight. She can tell by the way her hands shake and her bottom lip trembles in a desperate attempt at keeping her tears at bay and nerves to a bare minimum. She just knows her too well.  
“I mean it. I can’t do this anymore,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper.   
She can see the despair in her eyes, the way her voice breaks at the end of the sentence and the way her shoulders and her all too perfect posture drops at the relief of finally admitting what both of them knew for way too long.   
“I just can’t.”   
The first of many tears roll down her porcelain cheeks and Lilith wishes she wouldn’t be the cause of all this hurt; not when it came to her Zelda.   
“Then don’t…”   
She whispers after a long pause. The message is clear but Lilith isn’t sure if she means it.   
“I don’t want to lose you,” Zelda whispers and the first sob erupts through her thin and suddenly so pale looking body as her hand shoots up to cover her mouth in a weak attempt to silence the pathetic noise.  
“Neither do I.”   
Both stand there paralyzed, not being able to process what is happening. Zelda has to close her eyes; not even wanting to think about what is up for discussion.   
“I can’t lose you.”   
The sobs are heartbreaking, even more than the poor sight of the once so strong woman in front of her, but the reality of the situation makes Lilith see clearly for the first time in months. Zelda isn’t made for a life in solitude. She needs her family to shine, her sister to annoy, Sabrina to feel needed and her house to feel at home. Lilith can’t offer any of the above.   
“But you won’t… I will always be by your side. Maybe not in person but always at heart.” The first salty tears prickles away on her skin as it rolls down Lilith’s face. She wants to be the strong one for once, strong in not showing her hurt, strong in facing the inevitable truth, strong in letting Zelda go no matter how much it hurts.   
“Stop. I won’t leave you,” Zelda says and Lilith takes her soft face into her hands, caressing her rosy cheek with her still wet thumb.  
“You will and it’s okay…” Lilith manages to say before she feels a huge lump growing at the back of her throat. She just stares into the never ending depth of green orbs, that she has grown so fond of and sees all she ever wanted but knows she can never have.   
Zelda is a rare bird and she will just take away her wings if she keeps her confined in the prison hell turned out to be. She needs her freedom, her family, a purpose to blossom and rise like a phoenix from the ashes she is buried six feet under.   
“Come with me…” Zelda whispers and places her own, warm hand on top of Lilith’s cold one. She needs her, needs her company, needs her way of saying always the right words, needs her love.   
“I can’t… This is all I ever wished for. I worked so hard for this and now I finally have it,” she says and Zelda huffs bitterly. It’s always about goals but she can’t blame her… after all she was the same with Faustus, longing for power and burning herself because of her naivety.   
“Will you visit me?” A glitter of hope sparkles in Zelda’s glassy eyes. She needs to know if she’ll get to see her again. It’s the light at the end of a way too long tunnel.  
“Of course… How could I not?” Lilith whispers and feel her lip quiver before she breaks at the sadness of the situation. Zelda wraps her arms around the shaking body of the brunette and holds her through ever sob, having to bury her own face in the wild tresses of the Queen of Hell.   
The two of them stay like that for a long time before they bear to break apart, looking each other in the eyes.   
“So this is it?” Lilith asks and searches for any indication that it is not Zelda’s final decision but she finds relief, relief to be finally reunited with her family and it stings. It stings to know that she wasn’t able to provide what Zelda needs and to be alone again.  
“I guess…”  
“I’ll miss you,” Lilith says and feels her lip quiver again. The mere thought of losing Zelda seems unbearable and she wants to capture every single moment, framing it in her memories like the most precious thing to have graced her sight.   
“Promise me I’ll see you again,” Zelda needs to be sure that this won’t be the end of their story.   
“I promise.”   
The two of them are lost between not wanting to let go of each other and wanting the goodbye to be said already. They know it will break them past a point of return.   
“I will bring you home tomorrow morning. Let’s just spend one more night together before it’s time to say goodbye,” Lilith says, feeling drained.   
“Don’t say that! It sounds so final. Say… Until I see you again.”   
“I like the sound of that…” Lilith says and snuggles into the neck of the ginger beauty.   
“I don’t want you to go.”  
“But I have to…”   
“I know.”  
“Then don’t make it any harder than it already is.”   
“I love you.”   
“I love you, too.”


	2. Chapter 2

Lilith opens her eyes and feels dread take over her entire being, crushing every small piece hope that this was just all a bad dream, before she even has the time to think about what today will bring. The nightmare she currently finds herself in is very real; too real for her liking.   
She feels an arm tightly wrapped around her middle and with a sad smile on her face she sheds a small tear. The prickling sensation of the salty fluid running down her face reminds her of the time before Zelda, the time were her life was a miserably one, the time where she was ruled over, the time where she longed for someone like Zelda in her life.  
It will be the last day of waking up to this, the last day of waking up next to Zelda, the last day of being a part in her life. Another tear rolls down her sticky face. It’s not the first time she has cried since Zelda fell asleep.  
Zelda is still fast asleep and her body lies heavy against Lilith’s, almost as if she’s afraid of losing her. She holds onto her so tightly that it feels more like a way to trap the brunette than a loving embrace and it’s taking her the air to breathe. Lilith has to close her eyes, desperately trying to keep the sobs in. She doesn’t want to show Zelda how much this really affects her, doesn’t want to show Zelda that she isn’t so sure if she can make it on her own, doesn’t want to show Zelda how much she truly loves her.   
She has never been the person for feels and Zelda is right… She doesn’t need to make it harder on them than it needs to be, so she just lays there, silent tears rolling down her face and she suffers in solitude. The thought of actually talking about this with Zelda, as comforting as that action may be, makes her stomach turn and turmoil in serious protest. As long as you pretend it’s not there, you won’t feel it.   
Memories of the past few months flash before her eyes and beautiful reminders of times spent together make Lilith smile through her tears but then there are the fights, the wall about to crumble behind the beautiful façade and she knows that their love was doomed to fail from the beginning. They are just too different and too much alike at the same time.  
Love isn’t meant for her, nothing is.   
She is meant to suffer and always long for the things she can’t have.  
She wipes away the sticky tears with one of her fingers and slowly lifts Zelda’s heavy arm and slips into the cool morning night, feeling relieved to finally be able to breathe normally again. Taking the robe off the hanger, she walks towards their balcony, needing to be alone.   
She should enjoy the last peaceful moments with her loved one but she just can’t stand the thought of watching her go, can’t stand being the reason their love failed, can’t stand acknowledging that their love failed.   
She needs air to breathe, suffocating from the immense pain spreading through her body like a disease that eats away at your heart until it leaves nothing but tiny shreds of what was once your full pride and joy.   
She takes a deep breath, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she looks over her kingdom. It’s all she ever wanted, all she ever worked for, all that brought her into this situation, all that made her lose Zelda.  
“Don’t be ridiculous… You still want this,” the brunette mutters under her breath and feels her eyes tearing up again. She hates Zelda for making her this emotional, hates Zelda for making her this vulnerable, hates Zelda for leaving her after all they’ve been through, together.   
She shakes her head, not wanting to think about what she’ll do once she will have dropped Zelda off at the Spellman’s. Torture some poor souls? Kill some innocent men? Possess some bodies?   
No, there are far greater things in life.   
She looks into the distance and the sun rise reminds her of the moment she entered hell for the first time since Satan’s fall, hand in hand with a certain ginger beauty. Today she would return, still be the Queen of Hell, just without the ginger to reign at her side. She’ll be alone, just like she has always been.   
Something inside of her longs for the wise words of Zelda and the security her embrace brings but at the same time she knows she shouldn’t. She’ll be gone in a matter of hours and there will be no more wise words, no more reassuring hugs, no more love left.   
She will be truly alone, not even the company of Satan will be there to make her thrive for bigger things. She’s finally at the top and though it feels like she has lost everything on the way there. No more things she wants to achieve, no more people to keep her going, no more Sabrina to come to her for help, no more Zelda to keep her sane in the madness that controlling hell turned out to be.  
The cold morning breeze causes goosebumps to cover her exposed body and she feels a shiver run down her spine. Her tears pull at her skin as they dry in the wind of the last morning she’ll spend in company. It makes her want to cry even more but there are no more tears left; all have been shed already.   
She hears the door open and close behind her and warm arms wrap themselves around her middle, Zelda snuggling her face into the brown mess of hair that she’s grown to love more than anything else. The way her fingers tangle in them, the way they tickle her face in the morning, the way they stick to Lilith’s face after a night filled with love and passion, the way they perfectly frame her beautiful face.   
Her beautiful face… How much she’ll miss waking up to those gorgeous blue eyes that hold so much more than you might think. Lilith is like a rose, every fallen petal just reveals more of her stunning personality.  
“I missed you in bed while waking up,” Zelda complains. She wishes that Mary was there, wishes that she could have spent one more morning waking up with the brunette in her arms, wishes there would be more mornings like this.   
Her decision is final and the prospect of finally seeing her family again excites her beyond words, while the prospect of losing Lilith tears her heart apart and shreds it into tiny pieces, way too tiny to ever pick them up again.   
She truly doesn’t know how to feel. Is it all a mistake? Is she rushing things? All she knows is that her heart is screaming at her to get the heaven out of there and look after her family and she has denied her heart what it wants way too many times to ignore its loud pleas.   
“I needed some air,” Lilith says and hopes her eyes don’t look puffy or red from all the crying she did, from all the worries about her future, from the sleepless night, from watching Zelda peacefully dream; her face contorted in happiness at the nice dream she must have had.   
“I’ll miss this.”  
She barely hears it so quiet does it sound but she knows that Zelda is crying again and it makes it even harder for her to not join in on her grieve.   
“Me too.”   
The two of them stare at the sun rise, both lost in their own thoughts. Neither of them wants to propose the inevitable but both know it’s about time that Zelda starts packing her things. The sooner she’ll be off, the sooner Lilith will be able to adjust to her new life.  
“When did you think about going?” Lilith asks, needing to know how much time she has left before she’ll have her heart shredded into millions of pieces. Her mind tries pretending that she isn’t fazed by this but her heart keeps calling it out on its lie.  
“I was thinking about taking a shower and going afterwards…” Zelda says and feels bad at the way Lilith seems to wince at how final this sounds. She herself finds herself shaking the negativity off her body. She knows how hard it is to say goodbye to a loved one. She has done it so often and yet this feels worse than any time before.   
“Right then don’t let me stop you,” Lilith mumbles and still doesn’t turn around, too afraid the tears will fall if she looks into those green orbs, sees the worry and hurt inside of them. No, she won’t be able to handle it.   
“Please do.”   
Zelda isn’t so sure anymore if leaving is the right decision. The longer she has her arms wrapped around Lilith’s waist, the more right it feels; as if her arms were made for that exact purpose, to keep her body warm, to make her feel loved, to shield her from all the bad things.  
“I won’t be the reason of your downfall,” Lilith whispers and Zelda feels her stomach turn. She never wanted things to play out the way they did. If she knew what would happen, she would have never agreed to join Lilith in the first place. She would have spared her the heartbreak getting involved with the ginger meant.  
“Do you want to join me at least?” She asks, trying to lighten up the mood but doesn’t really feel like that’s what they’re needing right now.   
“I don’t want to keep distracting you,” Lilith says, turns around and presses a quick kiss onto her forehead before she disappears back inside, not being able to withstand the tension any longer. She needs to be alone, needs to allow herself to cry, needs to mourn the loss of her loved on.   
Zelda takes a deep breath, not believing that this is real. She doesn’t want to leave Lilith. Saying goodbye feels just so wrong, so sinfully wrong but she has to. She feels every part of her yearn for her old life, the life before Lilith and the dark baptism.   
If she could, she would just take the brunette with her but she made her choice and Zelda has to respect it. There is no use in forcing Lilith to give everything she has ever dreamed of up for… someone like her.   
She packs all of her things, understanding that Lilith needs some time to herself. In all the months spent together, she has discovered that emotions aren’t her forte and she respects her need to feel them in private.   
With conflicted feelings she packs all these amazing memories into a suitcase that doesn’t seem to do their journey justice and stops at a certain picture of the two of them. It was taken by Sabrina shortly after they had started their affair, trying foolishly to keep it hidden from her family but looking back on it now, even Zelda has to admit that those stolen glances were anything but secretive.   
She chuckles at how happy they look each other in the eyes and her stomach fills with butterflies that accompany her every time she thinks about the brunette and her together. She just makes her feel whole as if the part that she always felt missing is finally with her.   
And all of a sudden the seriousness of the situation dawns on her and she finds it hard to cope. No more stolen glances, no more secret touches, no more kisses, no more whispers of sweet nothings into each other’s ears, no more Lilith.  
Angrily she closes her suitcase but makes sure to place the picture on Lilith’s side of the bed for her to find once she’ll get back home and storms off into the direction of the shower, needing to let out all of the negative energy in a heartfelt scream of frustration.


	3. Chapter 3

A few more steps and she'll be gone for good. A few more steps and she'll have lost the only thing that still matters to her... besides the thrown of course, because how can she forget the crown she worked so hard for?   
They see the Spellman mortuary in sight, hands intertwined and footsteps heavy on the damp earth beneath their feet. Their heads are lost somewhere between asking where they went wrong and why they can't keep their love thriving. Why did it have to go wrong? It could be so perfect...   
Mary comes to a halt next to the graveyard, truly not wanting to continue their walk to the so much dreaded destination. She wants to turn around and run far away, far away from all the trouble and worries that kept her up all night, far away from the few people that Zelda cares more about than anything else, far away from the place where she'll have to say goodbye to the one person she cares more about than anything else... besides the thrown of course.   
"Is something wrong?" Zelda asks, squeezing her hand reassuringly. She knows exactly what's wrong but asking just feels like the right thing to do. She feels it, too. The dread, the hurt, the sadness, the heartbreak at the thought of what is about to happen and the burning of hot and salty tears that would just love to come out.   
But neither of them lets the sign of weakness show, both not being too keen on getting all vulnerable when all they want is to be happy; together. But as always happiness is only an illusion held upright by the sheer want of something to last.   
"I just want to stay here for a few more seconds if that's alright with you," Lilith says and Zelda just nods her head, pulling the brunette closer. The ginger doesn't want to go either. Not if that means leaving Lilith behind. She holds onto her as if she's her lifeline. The only thing that will keep her going and at that moment she truly feels as if Lilith is exactly that.   
"Just stay," Zelda says, feeling the first tear start its journey down her makeup covered cheek, ruining her perfect façade and weak attempt at hiding how much of a wreck she truly looks like.   
"I can't-"   
"The thrown... I know. I just had to try," Zelda explains and no bitterness is left. Just sorrow. She understands Lilith more than anyone else could. She herself put power above family and those she loves once and she considers it to be the biggest mistake of her life but everyone has to make their own mistakes and she won't dare stop the brunette from finding out where her mistake lays.   
"Lord, I'll miss you so much," Lilith breathes into the mass of ginger curls and closes her eyes, trying to steady her breathing before she can completely lose herself. She doesn't want to cry but at the same time crying feels like the only acceptable thing to do and her body screams at her to release the wails of sadness that are pushing so hard against her thick walls of insecurities and guardedness.   
"I'll miss you more," Zelda says and tries not to let the sorrow get the better of her. The line is so cheesy and Zelda Spellman is anything but cheesy on any normal day but Lilith makes her discover new sides of herself, she never thought of as existing.   
There is so much to look forward to and yet it feels like the best things are already over, already in her past, buried with the faint image of her thriving times with Lilith.   
"You'll have to visit me from time to time," Zelda mutters and feels Lilith nod into her neck, probably not trusting herself to speak. Neither of them trust their voice to not crack and the tight embrace they're locked in truly is the only thing that keeps them going.   
"Do you think we can keep this... thing going?" Zelda just needs to know if whatever they have will still be there when she'll see Lilith for the next time. She can't stay in the unknown, always worrying about what might be and what might have been.  
They weren't keen on putting labels on their relationship. Both of them did so in the past and were badly burnt by the consuming flame that relationship turned out to be, so both of them felt comfortable with just being two women enjoying each other's company for the time being but now that whatever they have is coming to a foreseeable end, both of them yearn for the confirmation of each other's feelings.   
"I really wish you would stay... my girlfriend," Lilith says and both of them breathe a sigh of relief. It feels so good to finally say and hear it aloud, knowing how they stood to each other.   
No more stepping around in the dark, no more hiding their feelings in the closet and no more wondering what if. They know now.   
"It's sad that now that we're not going to be together anymore, we start saying what we are..." Zelda says and the sobs, she tried to hold in so bad it took her every will, erupted through her body like a hurricane waiting to wreak havoc in her heart. She can't even finish her sentence before the full weight of her heartbreaking wails breaks loose over Lilith.   
"Please don't cry," the brunette says, her voice cracking and the ginger can tell that she's on the verge of tears.   
"Then don't say that..." Zelda sniffs and clenches the dress of Lilith in her hands to fists, pressing her face into her shoulder in a pathetic attempt to hold on to the one thing that gives her the strength she so desperately needs.   
"Why am I even leaving you? I love you," she says and Lilith can't hold back anymore. As much as she hates showing emotion, she needs to let out what was bottled up for so long and she does. She cries for all the things that could be but aren't. She cries for Zelda, whom she has lost. She cries for herself. She cries for a love that's not supposed to be.   
"You're not happy, dummy. You need your family, need a purpose and I can't give you either," Lilith sobs and feels her knees go weak at the overwhelming amount of different emotions that are changing so quickly that it confuses her already tired mind beyond words.   
"Right..."   
Both of them seek the comfort the other provides for probably the last time in a while. Both of them know that their promises will be wiped away with the dust on their shelves once life comes in the way of their wishes. Maybe not seeing each other will make it easier...   
"Stay the night?" Zelda tries and as much as Lilith longs to give into her pleading request, she knows it would only hurt more in the morning when she will sneak out and leave a peacefully sleeping Zelda behind to wake up to an empty bed. No, she can't do that to her.   
"I don't think that is a good idea."   
Zelda nods, knowing exactly what Lilith is thinking about. She would probably do the same, not bearing to see her face once realization strikes the beautifully gave of the brown haired beauty.   
"You aren't thinking about sneaking out on me, are you?"   
"Maybe."   
Both of them laugh. The teasing returns and for the first time in months they feel that fire that burnt whenever they were together light up their body in delight. What a shame that it has to end that way.   
Lilith sees Hilda's face in the window of the family home and knows their time before the whole family will be out on the lawn is numbered and she has a few things she needs to get off her chest before the big, heartbreaking family reunion, she so doesn't want to witness.   
She lightly pushes at Zelda until the ginger witch gives into her request and finally looks at the brunette's eyes with so much emotion that it makes her tear up again.   
"Take care of yourself. Next time I see you, whenever that might be, I want to see the fierce, brave and strong woman I fell in love with!" Lilith says and Zelda's lower lip starts to tremble at how real this is. She hates how real this is.   
"I want you to live your dreams, fall in love and live your life to the fullest. It's way too short to not enjoy it," she says and the thought of Zelda with someone else stings more than she likes to admit to herself but she needs her to be happy. She needs to know that she won't be the reason of Zelda's misery.   
"But I only want you..."   
"It's not meant to be."   
"I want you to always remember that I love you!" Lilith says and Zelda barely manages to whisper an "I love you, too!" back before their lips collide to a final kiss that feels way too good to be final. Their tongues dance their last tango, their hearts race each other for the last time, their hands travel across each other's body as if it is their first time and for the last time they feel whole.   
Their heart screams at them to never let go, to keep the fire burning as long as they can and both of them know that it's probably time to exactly do that. Let go.   
Lilith breaks the kiss just when Hilda opens the door to the cozy family home and screams "Zelda!"   
Lilith sighs in defeat and tries to remember every small detail of Zelda’s beautiful face that lights up in happiness once the wind carries the sound of her sister’s British accent to her ears and smiles a sad smile at all the things that aren't meant to be.   
The ginger's head shoots around, her face lighting up at the sight of her sister, although she'll later deny that it ever happened.   
Oh how much she missed her sister. She looks good, but Zelda would never admit that to her. She always thought of her as beautiful and is just too proud to admit it. Her smile makes her yearn for a tight embrace and she waves a shy wave into her direction.   
When she turns around to say goodbye, Lilith is gone.   
Only the faint smell of wood scented rose is still lingering in the air surrounding Zelda and her heart drops at not having said what she has been burning to tell her for so long. A last tear rolls down her face as she says, "Goodbye my love."   
As she turns back around again, she already sees her family running towards her and her frown is replaced by a smile as she runs towards them, falling into their arms happily.  
Lilith enters her house, not wanting to feel anything. Things just don’t seem right. Something is missing. Zelda is missing.  
The way her laugh filled the room or her smile lit up something deep within Lilith is gone and Lilith would be lying if she said it’s not bothering her.   
She stares at Zelda’s favorite chair and feels the tears welling up again. No, she won’t cry. She won’t let herself fall. She brushes her hair out of her face and decides that catching up on some sleep seems like a good idea for now and heads into the direction of thei- her bedroom.   
She just wants to hit the mattress and fall into a deep slumber, waking up to Zelda still being right there, telling her it was all just a bad dream but something catches her eye.  
A small picture of Zelda and herself is waiting for her on the fluffed up pillow and she can’t hold it back any longer. Only then she allows herself to fall with no one there to catch.


	4. Chapter 4

She stares into space, not listening to any of the words that leave her assistant's mouth. Her mind is somewhere far away, remembers a better time and place, where she is happy and her wishes come true. She is happy. Her wishes do come true.   
She keeps staring at that one point on the other end of the huge thrown hall as if it would give her answers to the uncountable number of unanswered questions that plague her day and night time. The brunette can clearly see the small mouth of the innocent girl move somewhere in the corner of her eyes but she doesn't bother listening to her unimportant rambling. That’s what everything is. Unimportant. Nothing exciting comes up nowadays.   
She imagined being the Queen of Hell would be a little bit more… fulfilling.  
"My Queen?" the girl asks and waves a hand in front of her face, trying to get her full attention. Lilith snaps out of her deep day dream and feels disappointment rise at the realization that she’s still right there in that huge hall all by herself. With a snarl, the brunette turns her head to look at the petite blonde, who is trembling at the intense glare of her Queen; the one person she worships.   
It's obvious to even the blindest person that the girl adores her leader and probably looks up to her more than she should. She would gladly take a bullet for her Queen, dying an honorable death. The pure devotion in those brown puppy eyes makes Lilith roll her eyes in annoyance.   
She doesn't need anyone to take a bullet for her, she'd rather do that herself.   
She doesn’t need anyone to fight her battles, to take care of her, to…love her.  
"What?" She growls, annoyed by the sheer fact of somebody interrupting her alone time, she so desperately needs. Her thoughts haven't been the same ever since Zelda's return home. They seem to drift off more than often and she finds herself in places she doesn't remember going to.   
It has gradually gotten worse and the less sleep she gets, the more she finds herself losing grip on reality. She zooms out and entire hours go missing from her memory, hours in which she could have killed someone... Hours in which she could have hurt someone and she doesn’t remember any of it when she regains her senses.  
Rubbish. Why would it matter? She has never been against killing to get where she wants to be, so why does it matter now that she has reached everything she always yearned for?   
"Your majesty they are getting impatient. They want new orders from their Queen," the girl, whose name Lilith doesn’t even remember, says and she huffs at the ridicule of the situation. What do they want to hear from her? What to do? How to live their life?   
No, she abided to Satan's rules for way too long to force other unfortunate souls to abide to hers now. She knows how it feels to be powerless. She knows how much you need someone to open your eyes to what's going wrong around you and the way her Lord led the kingdom is more than just wrong in Lilith's eyes.   
"What should I tell them, your majesty?" the girl pushes again and Lilith just closes her eyes, not wanting to look at her, look at the blank walls, look at the sterile room, look at her self-made prison. It’s not a prison if it’s all she ever wanted…  
"I don't know..." Lilith says and shakes her head slightly. On any other day she would have snapped, probably ripped off the head of the poor creature that managed to be at the wrong place during one of her bad moods, but Lilith feels drained off all her energy.   
Her muscles are sore from all the pacing she does at night, her eyes burn from the sleep she so desperately needs, her mouth feels dry from the lack of fluids that end up running down her swollen throat, her throat burns while drinking from all the screaming and crying she does when she's alone, her stomach screams for food she doesn't eat and her head hurts from a combination of all of the above.   
She wants to sleep, sleep without dreaming of Zelda, sleep without waking up drenched in sweat from the nightmares where she watches the ginger beauty die in her arms, sleep without waking up to nothing besides her.   
She wants to feel nothing at all and the same time everything at once. On days where she feels nothing at all, she longs for the heartbreaking pain to return just so she feels something other than the numbness that's driving her beyond insane and on days where she goes through a range of different emotions she wishes for everything to just stop hurting.   
"I'm afraid we won't be able to keep them at bay for much longer, your majesty. Their pleas are getting louder and their forces stronger."   
Lilith doesn't even have the strength to snarl anymore. Her pounding head makes her want to exterminate the source of the noise that's worsening it but her heart knows that she will be truly alone if she dares to do it.   
The girl is the only one to keep her company and as much as she despises this high pitched voice, wrong colored hair and dull eyes, she needs company more than anything else right now; it’s just not hers she needs.  
"Just give me a few more days to think about it," she says and tries to get out of her throne but she feels her knees buckle underneath her and weakened arms shake at even the slightest bit of exercise. She sinks back into the cold chair, feeling empty.   
The thud of her limp body hitting the hard wood echoes through the wide hall, shoving her weakness and vulnerability right into her face. A sigh of frustration and exhaustion leaves her lips; unwanted of course. She doesn’t need anyone to see her worst times when she doesn’t even like to showcase her good ones.   
Tears are threatening to come and a silent cry of tiredness brushes past her chapped and slightly discolored lips. She didn't bother painting them with lipstick. Nobody is going to come visit her anyway.   
"I will your majesty," she hears and can't stand that word anymore. She isn't majestic. She's pathetic.   
"Don't call me that," she growls, her tone a warning one.   
"What should I call you then, your majesty?"   
"I said, don't call me that!" she yells and her body shoots up in her thrown, making the lightbulbs around her burst in her anger. She doesn’t notice how the girl falls, fear taking over her entire features, and tries to get as far away as possible. Like a cornered animal she feels into the corner of the room and covers her head in protection, her cries filling the room.  
Lilith’s breathing is rapid and uneven from the little exercise standing up turned out to be and she feels dizziness taking over her entire being.   
She can’t see clear anymore but she ignores it, keeps pushing past her breaking point and walks towards the cowering person in the corner. She doesn’t hear the desperate pleas emerging from the shaking person, all she hears are the screams inside her mind.   
The screams yelling at her for all her failures and things she never dares to think about. The things that are making her lose her mind. The things that remind her of that awful day when she lost Zelda. The things that remind her of Zelda.  
“How could you leave me?!” She yells and the beautiful mirror above her head comes crushing down with a flick of her aching wrist. The first tear of many to follow rolls down her rough cheek and she feels a sob go through her body; the start of a chain reaction she so desperately needed to trigger.   
The beautiful mirror shatters into a million pieces around her feet, broken shards flying everywhere. The girl yelps as the glass connects with her skin and small pieces bore themselves through the thin layer of skin. Lilith doesn’t care, she doesn’t even feel the pain.   
All her own demons are pushing her to continue, to let out what she’s trying to hold in so bad.  
“How could you?!” she yells and brushes her hair out of her face, covering her mouth as heartbreaking wails leave her mouth. She doesn’t register she’s crying until the first tears roll down her throat and land on the swell of her breasts, making her wince at the sudden intrusion of her privacy.   
She feels her heart beat fast than ever and her knees are dangerously close to wobbling, the girl long forgotten.   
“We were supposed to grow old together!” she whispers and sinks down to her knees, burying her face in her dried up and shaking hands. The burgundy dress pools around her like a puddle of blood that contracts her pale and lifeless looking skin to a degree of perfection.   
“I thought we’d grow old together…” she whispers through her cries of agony as she remember the smile of the ginger beauty that used to light up her world but only brings her more misery now. The smile that had the power to either make or break her…  
“I miss you,” she says and feels her heart ache at the thought of seeing those green orbs, of running her hands through those smooth ginger tresses, of feeling those soft and plump lips press against her own, of smelling that comforting scent of… home.   
“Why did you have to leave?” She cries and wraps her arms around her shaking body that hurts with every sob that erupts through her bruised body. Rocking back and forth, she feels more vulnerable than ever before. She hasn’t allowed herself to process what happened until she pushed herself past her point of breaking.   
She avoided thinking about the hole Zelda left in her life until it became impossible to avoid. It was shoved into her face at every possible opportunity and it made her long for the ginger even more. She needed Zelda, she needed her love, she needed her comfort, she needed her wise words, she needed her company, she needed her.   
The thrown and the crown is nothing to her if Zelda isn’t by her side to share the victory and frankly Zelda has chosen to spent a quiet life with her family instead of ruling over hell.   
A family… the thought of that warms Lilith’s cold heart and she feels a small smile creep up on her face. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t need a thrown or a crown. She needs someone who will be there for her, care for her, take care of her. She needs a family.   
The sobs and cries echo in the hall, making it sound even sadder. No one is there to comfort her. She’s all alone, left to suffer for her foolish decision. She should have never let Zelda go.   
The taste of metal flooding her mouth draws attention to her teeth, nibbling away at her chapped lips, and she gasps as she feels the intense sting on her lower lip. A single drop of red blood lands on her finger and she lifts it up to watch the small drop in fascination.  
Her sobs ebb away into heavy breathing and the tears stop flowing as she watches it roll around on her finger, leaving a red trail behind.   
It reminds her of the trail of hurt and destruction she once left behind. It was all before Zelda, before the woman turned her world upside down and showed her the good sides of life, showed her that not everyone will do her wrong, that there are still good people in this wicked world.   
Zelda showed her how to trust again, how to love others and most importantly herself again.   
Zelda gave her everything she so desperately needed and yet she let her go…   
She licks the drop of blood off her finger, cleansing her finger off the bloodied trail, just as Zelda cleansed her body of other’s wrongdoings.   
The exhaustion becomes more present as she feels her eyes drifting shut. She wants to fight it, doesn’t want to enter one of her restless dreams, doesn’t want to see Zelda die again but there is nothing she can do against it.   
The last word lingering on her lips is the name of a certain redhead before she loses control of her body and sinks into the darkness that’s been calling her name for far too long.


	5. Chapter 5

Zelda sits in the kitchen, smoking one of her too many cigarettes a day. Her eyes scan the Russian newspaper but her brain doesn’t register the words that she’s reading, too focused on something else. Too focused to even realize that she’s holding the newspaper upside down.  
She feels the water fill to the brim of her eyes, tears almost falling, and knows that she has allowed herself to be carried away to the time where her family was still whole and her life thrived with love and happiness, or at least as close as Zelda ever came to being utterly happy because the ginger wasn’t ever completely happy.  
Hilda is quietly preparing their lunch, knowing that her sister is no mood to talk. She hasn’t been since she came home all those months ago, so she just keeps quiet and watches her sister suffer in solitude; as always.   
She sees the tears welling up in her eyes, sees the empty stare with which her sister is staring down her newspaper, sees the ash at the end of the cigarette, which will surely kill her someday, grow bigger and bigger, almost falling off on its own but she doesn’t say a word about it.  
It’s not as if her sister would listen to her.  
Zelda’s too tired to notice the secret glances her sister is sending her way, so she can’t even snap at her; something she used to do every so often. She just sits there, breathing shallow and uneven to the point that she gets out of breath.  
It feels wrong. Wrong that her sister just sits there, day in, day out and doesn’t do a thing. Hilda can’t put her head around the concept of a quiet Zelda, as she spent all her life being teased and snapped at by the ginger witch. Reality looks very different now. What she would give to have her old sister back, the one that is so full of life.  
It worries her to say the least. She cares about Zelda, always has and always will but she truly doesn’t know what to do. Not even when Zelda got burnt by the consuming flame of abuse and hatred Faustus turned out to be, did she see her sister this empty.   
The ash of Zelda’s cigarette is finally too much to carry for the poor thing and elegantly glides through the air until it lands on her black dress, making Zelda spring to life. It’s as if someone finally pushed the button to a lifeless doll, making its machines heat up.  
“For Satan’s sake!” she spits and tries to brush the ash off without doing any permanent damage to her second favorite dress but it’s too late. The ash has already burnt a small hole into the hem of it and Zelda’s burning eyes land on Hilda.   
“Don’t just stand there! Do something useful for once and help me!” she snaps and Hilda doesn’t mind the attitude. At least it’s better than the nothingness that possesses her sister on most days. Hilda ushers over to her sister, a wet sponge in her hand, and tries to mend the dress before the damage worsens.   
“Doesn’t look too bad, Zelds,” Hilda tries but her sister just flicks her wrist and throws the newspaper across the room, single sheets flying into every possible direction.  
“It’s ruined!” Zelda yells and brushes a few of her dull looking curls behind her hair, inhaling deeply.   
For once Hilda isn’t so sure if her sister is talking about the ruined piece of clothing she loves so dearly. She watches the ginger’s chest heave and fall in an even quicker pace and the closed eyes tell her that the sudden outburst probably isn’t about the dress and rather about a certain brunette.   
“Nothing a bit of magic can’t fix…” Hilda says nevertheless. Her sister doesn’t need to know that her once so strong façade isn’t as strong anymore. She would just be consumed by a fury that would probably mean the Cain pit for the blonde.   
“I’m not talking about the damn dress, Hilda!” Zelda yells and throws her arms up into the air before she reaches for another cigarette, not even caring to place it in the cigarette holder. She just straight up smokes it, not caring about how her fingers could end up looking yellow.   
She tries to ignore the intense shaking of her hands, pretending to not see it and she’s glad Hilda doesn’t point it out. She would have if it was Hilda.  
“Do you want to talk about it?”   
Hilda isn’t sure if it’s safe territory she’s currently moving in but at the same time there is no safe territory with Zelda. You’re always close to triggering something that’ll make her blow up and her sister frankly didn’t like talking about anything in relation with their newly appointed Queen of Hell; well not so newly anymore.   
“There is nothing to talk about,” Zelda hisses and starts pacing up and down their kitchen, not knowing what to do with her hands, so she starts biting her nails, a habit she called everyone out on on any normal day.   
Her sister doesn’t draw Zelda’s attention to the habit she, herself, describes as disgusting, having a faint idea of what’s going on inside of the ginger’s head. She just watches her walk out the stress and worries until she’ll reach for the bottle of whiskey in the shelf next to her.   
Zelda doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to feel, doesn’t know how to act.   
It’s been ten months and she hasn’t heard a single word from Lilith ever since she just vanished on that fateful. She didn’t come visit like she promised, she didn’t call, she didn’t even write as much as a damn letter.   
Zelda presses the untouched cigarette against the surface of their kitchen counter and huffs in frustration. How could she? How could she just leave her as if she was nothing to her? That damn woman!  
She should have just stayed…   
Her family didn’t bring her the relief she thought she would get. So much has changed since she took her place by Lilith’s side. Sabrina is barely home, always out and about, trying to drown her sorrow about the loss of her beloved boyfriend and failed attempts at rescuing him in whatever she found first, Hilda’s relationship with that damn bookstore owner blossomed into a wonderful rose, ready to stab her with their thorns.   
It hurt seeing her sister so happy when she was suffering the loss of her loved one. It only makes her dismay about the man grow and she started to ignore her sister all together.   
Ambrose was barely ever at home with the task of hunting down whatever Prudence and he were after and so nothing felt like the atmosphere Zelda was used to. Their family was broken apart and she wasn’t even there when it had happened.   
Hilda watches her sister’s face contort in so many different emotions and at that moment she can read her like an open book. There is nothing Zelda manages to hide and Hilda is sure that her sister isn’t even aware that she’s still in the room. Otherwise she would have never let that oh so crumbled mask slip.   
Zelda stares out of the window absently, not even feeling the wet trails her hot and salty tears leave on her cheeks.   
“Why didn’t you come with me?” she whispers into the empty space.   
Hilda sighs and pities her sister for the pain she has to go through. Not even Zelda, the person that killed her too many times, deserves that. She thought that Zelda had finally found her happiness in Lilith but it turned out to be a false hope and now she watches her fall apart more with every passing day, not knowing what to do.   
She doesn’t want to interfere, knowing that whatever is going on between Lilith and her sister is something both of them need to figure out on their own but she suffers seeing her sister like this; after all she has done, she is still her sister.   
She knows she should probably leave Zelda alone, witnessing a moment that wasn’t intended to be shared but she can’t leave her sister alone in that state either, so she stays. She wants to wrap the ginger in her arms, telling her everything will be fine, that everything will turn out to be okay but how can she if she doesn’t know what the future holds?   
How can she if Zelda doesn’t want to be held?   
Sometimes she wonders how Lilith and the hot tempered ginger got along. After all both of them are so similar yet so different but she might never find out now.   
She hears the quiet sobs and her heart aches for her fallen sister. How did things end the way they did? She hears the heartbreaking wails and has to close her eyes, feeling her own tears welling up.   
She hears the glass being thrown across the room and shattering against the wall and the angry scream that follows short behind and a tear rolls down her cheek.   
“WHY?” Zelda yells and her heavy body sinks to the floor, her heart being torn apart with every sob that wrecks through her body.   
“Why did you go?” She whispers and leans against the kitchen counter.   
“Why couldn’t you just stay?” she brushes her hung out curls out of her face and a suppressing energy makes herself known throughout the Spellman home.   
As confusion blends into realization, her eyes shoot up and her body follows shortly after. Her feet carry her through the front door before her sister had the time to pick up on what’s happening and she storms up their driveway before she has the chance to overthink her actions.   
The sight of the brunette makes her heart scream in joy and her mind burst in fury. A set of fresh tears burns away on her face and the faint smile on Lilith’s lips is enough to push her over the edge.   
“How could you?” She screams and slaps her with a force that makes the brunette take a step back.   
“I probably deserved this…” Lilith mumbles and holds her red cheek in pain.   
Zelda just stares her down with an intensity that makes a shiver run down Lilith’s spine. Oh how she missed those fierce green orbs that burst with intensity… The tears are now ruining both of their facades and Lilith just pulls Zelda in for a tight embrace, no matter how many daggers Zelda’s eyes send into her direction.  
She needs to be close to her after being separated for so long. With a little bit of hesitation, Zelda wraps her arms around the brunette and sobs into her neck freely. How much she missed the smell of the brunette is blowing her mind and she falls into their embrace.   
Lilith is holding onto the ginger, crying freely. She never knew how much she needed Zelda until that exact moment. Seeing her after so many months opened her eyes and she realized that she wanted-no, needed- this.   
“How could you?” Zelda repeats and Lilith pulls back a bit to look into her red, puffy eyes.   
“It hurt too much…” Lilith admits and wipes away Zelda’s tears with her thumb.   
Only now do both of them realize what effect the separation had on both of them.   
Zelda notices how hollow Lilith’s cheeks have become, how tired her eyes look, how dull. Her usually messy hair doesn’t resemble its usual volume and just hangs down lifelessly. Her skin isn’t glowing like always, it’s pale and the sparkle has vanished from her eyes. It scares Zelda.   
Zelda’s hair looks dull, not even close to as bright as always. She has gained some weight and even though Lilith doesn’t love her any less, she know the weight comes from stress eating, a habit no one besides her knows off. Her eyes look empty and it breaks Lilith’s heart to see her love like that.   
“I missed you,” Zelda says and Lilith presses her lips against the ginger’s tenderly.   
“I missed you, too,” she whispers and presses her forehead against Zelda’s.   
“Don’t ever leave me again,” Zelda lays all of her insecurity into that one sentence and Lilith knows it was the right decision to make…   
“I won’t… I’ve come home,” she whispers and watches Zelda’s eyes ignite in the light of a thousand spotlights.   
“Home…” Zelda whispers and leans into Lilith, knowing everything would be okay as long as they’re together. 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I don't know if I like this ending or not! I might re-write it at some point! This will hopefully break me out of my writers block for Black Magic Women so there can be an update for that tomorrow! Hope you enjoyed this short story! I definitely enjoyed writing this. Might get into writing more short stories about them in the future. I just have so many ideas right now!


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